An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Smith's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Smith." The Minister spoke to her in Sunday School the following week and said, "Aren't you Mr. Smith's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation, "she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my mom says it's a bitch to iron."
A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" My friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said.....'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or, 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
|THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING
*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. by very close veins. .
*Please excuse Peter from being absent yesterday. He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
|HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming."
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out 20 years
later who you're stuck with."
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids."
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out."
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them."
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
change no diapers. Of course, if I did get Married, I'd just phone my
mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after
us just the same as they do now."
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
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