You've all heard of
the Air Force's ultra-high security, super-secret base in Nevada, known
simply as "Area 51?"
|A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Definitions By Gender
|Definitions By Gender...
|"Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked"
10. No one ever steals your chair.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
|ALWAYS THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK? READ ON...
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He
thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had
a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and
loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time
the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician
saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up
and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to
Time passed -----------------
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the
She shot him.
| HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Write poetry for her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
|When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
|A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.
He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here on your swing."